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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Roxy's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
6:36 am
For Old Time's Sake.
I thought it would be interesting to sit down and post in this old journal. It's been almost two years. Holy crap! My life is a very different thing now, than the last time I was posting actively here. Most major, of course, is the fact that I no longer live in California, but instead in New Mexico. Benefits and drawbacks to that one, as all moves have.

I live in a very small town these days, which kind of weirds me out. People are generally much friendlier. The cashiers at Walmart will happily strike up conversation with me at two in the morning when I go on a random ramen run. Back in Oxnard, if you tried lingering /anywhere/ at two in the morning, people would be afraid you were going to murder them. The other side of this coin though, is that being such as small town, finding work is a challenging process. There's simply not the bulk of opportunities like in the Oxnard area. Wal-mart is the only major retail outlet here, as an example.

I should also note, since this journal never covered it, that my grandfather, Guy N. Deaver, passed away in 2005, just under a year after my grandmother. Although he would have never admitted to it, he couldn't live without her. Hopefully, they're together again in the hereafter, wherever that may be.

I'm 24 now. Ew. Old. For the first 8 months or so that I was here in New Mexico, I was incredibly homesick. Hardly able to think of anything but getting back to California and the life I knew before. And while I miss my friends back home, Nick, Gared, Andy, Johnny, and especially Kevin, I went back to visit them this summer. Right in the middle of a gigantic swirl of drama. That did wonders for dispelling the desperation to return.

I play World of Warcraft these days, way too much. Five level 60 characters, one of which is a druid in nearly full Stormrage gear. For those of you not in the know, that is Very Freaking Leet.

At this moment, my car is out of comission and my insurance has expired, so I can't drive, so the search for work is on hold. I also switched over to using MSN as my main instant messaging service, and I lost touch with a lot of people in that transition. Some people refuse to use it (Micro$oft is evil, lolol) and other people I don't think would be too cool with my more open femininity that's evolved these days. That's actually a fairly funny story on how I ended up being that way, maybe if I start posting here frequently, I'll share it.

AHEM. Long rant aside, are any of you people with this thing friend-listed still out there? Comment. Say hi. You know you wanna.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Sunday, February 13th, 2005
4:45 am
We're now up here alone
Terror on the intercom, can someone save us?
Systems malfunction, blast it this damn machine
Over and out captain
Something lurks
Ceeps on the counter top somewhere behind you
A parasitic cyst, I can't stand to watch
It's coming up and out of your chest

Remember when we were young...

I sit up, right on the table
A photograph ever feeding me the way back
Frightened I tear alone
Or maybe not the only one there

Hello? Hello?
When it rings, will you answer?

There on a corner, tall short stance it's you
Come on, kill me
You made a good friend to me
While you were outnumbered and torn
You made us do things

Oh dear God, I don't feel alive!!
When you're cut short misery
Will you pray it be in the end?
Give a look surprised, wide eyes to me
Then you'll know just what I am
The scare that triggers your fear
Come know me in a different light now
Come know me as God

You made a good friend to me
When you were outnumbered and torn
You made us do things ...to you

Run sand in hour glass, it's my time, will I be worth?
Spin around carousel, when your horse isn't screwed in

OH DEAR GOD, I DON'T FEEL ALIVE!!!!
When you're cut short misery misery
Will you pray it be the end!?
Give a look surprised, wide eyes to me!!
Then you'll know just what I am
The scar that triggers you fear!!
Come know me in a different light now
Come know me as God!!

Current Mood: pissed off
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
4:29 pm
Stuck in My Head
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.
Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops.

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Thursday, October 7th, 2004
10:21 am
Anime Characters
After watching up to episode 58 of Naruto tonight... I've realized that there are two characters in the series that combine to comprise an almost chillingly accurate model of my personality. Hinata and Gaara. Ironic that one is female and the other male, much like the two sides of me that the world sees. That's not the only place where there's similarities, of course...

Hinata is a sweet, caring girl, who is shy and feels that she is totally devoid of worth.

Gaara is an emotionless monster, who feels that he is only truly alive while killing.

Of course, the connection with Hinata is more apparent, at least in the fact that I care so much for the people around me... And I -know- there's no worth to me. With Gaara, it takes a little more thought. Gaara too, feels that he has no reason to be alive, and so he has found a reason in hurting others. Both struggled through brutal childhoods, Hinata's slightly less dramatic, but no less painful.

I feel a lot of times like those two distinctive aspects exist inside of me... the gentle, caring side that is afraid to act... And the heartless, broken side that acts simply to prove to itself that I'm still alive. To me, Hinata seems to represent the purer, more innocent side of me. Gaara... well... the rest.

Sad how I can find so much meaning and identification with something like characters in an anime, huh?

Current Mood: numb
Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
10:22 am
Fear....
I disabled commenting on this. If you want to act like you care about me and respond, maybe you could bother to expend the effort in IMing me or sending an e-mail.

It's funny how the harder I try to escape from reality, the harsher it continues to become. It's like it knows that I'm running and so it's trying to chase me down... I've done nothing but watch anime and play FFXI for weeks now. And life is becoming more rough around me. I don't know how I can pull any deeper into myself short of going back to the hermit I used to be, spending days at a time in my room without ever seeing the sun.

My job is on it's way to die... it's limping along, but I'm having to take a pay cut and lose some hours in order to continue. That isn't good... When this job collapses, and it's only a matter of time until it does, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I talk a big game about wanting to get a degree in English and teach in Japan... but that's a dream I won't ever be able to live up to. I'm not cut out for school, I learn best on my own, at my own weird pace. My entire school career was a distaster because of my inability to exist socially... I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Thoughts of suicide are creeping into my mind now, even as I write this. While my fingers drag themselves across the keys, to tap out the letters to say that I don't know what I'm going to do, my mind tells me that I could kill myself and escape it all. And what's more upsetting is that it seems like my best option. What else can I do?

I won't ever be able to find another job... not one that will hire me looking like I do. It took me so long to find work, and even when I manage to force myself into some physical labor job that my body can't handle, it never lasts... When the store closes, I'm... just simply doomed. I've poured my heart and soul into this place for a year and a half... I put blood, sweat, and tears into building it up... And now I'm watching it crumble away, like everything else that matters in my life.

It's so hard to keep up the smiling facade with people... in person or online. But I know no one wants to hear me cry or listen to me whine. I've driven Brittney away from me irrevokably doing that... I don't want to destroy any more of the few meaningful relationships I have left with my fucking self-pity. But I don't know how to cope otherwise...

Being alive hurts so much. I wish I could just walk away and never have to come back, and never have to face the world again. I'm so tired of caring about people who can't make time for me, or who find a video game more important than reality, or find the sound of my whining too grating to care back...

It's funny how I never identify with the main characters of the anime I watch... I always find myself imagining myself as one of the supporting cast... Someone who stopped caring about me used to call me Nuriko because she thought I was a lot like the character from Fushigi Yuugi. I agree. Miaka, the main character, has a happy ending. Nuriko dies.

Current Mood: scared
Friday, September 24th, 2004
3:52 am
The Turnip is a Bit Watery
I wrote some thing... It was just kind of a random write and turned into a kind of autobiographical thing. So yeah, if you wanna see what life feels like through my eyes, give it a read.

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/10865393/

It's not all that special. Just more crap. A bit trying to decribe my life and it's crap. HOW IRONIC! ^___^

Current Mood: sleepy
Sunday, September 19th, 2004
7:38 am
Waugh
You know, sometimes people just puzzle me. When you're locked in a life-or-death struggle because someone has taken issue with you doing something... why would you continue to do it?

I've come to accept that nothing in the real world means anything to some people, in comparison to the escape of a last fantasy. But when a white monster seeks to destroy you for that fantasy, why snap at your friends when they remind you that the time has come to step out of it? I guess some people don't want me on their side, no matter how much I want to be. I am, after all, a terrible person.

I really want to dramatically alter my appearance sometime in the near future. While the thought of a haircut has loomed in my head for a year or so now, I'd rather not do that. I'm thinking about something like dying my hair, but I fear that my red-head complexion and eyebrows would look silly or unnatural with any other color. I would, however, adore giving it a deep purple color like Nuriko's. That'd rock.

I'd also kind of like to persue getting a couple of tattoos done, but with the hospital bill still hanging over my head, I'm not sure if I could afford it. Hrm. Oddly, I like cutting myself a lot for this reason. It creates changes in my appearance and allows me to disconnect from the person that I am eternally. Exercise some control over the mistake I can't change, you know?

I wish I could easily go shopping for clothes and find myself new things to wear, but as big as I am, that takes more work than it's worth.

Speaking of clothes, god damn do I wanna cosplay at AX next year. I am really in love with the idea of cosplay, and I desperately wish I had the female body to pull off the characters I like most. Hell, I'm tempted to do them anyway. At least there would be comedy in a 7 foot tall Usagi stomping through the con like godzilla.

I need to find somewhere I can get a fuku with a 44 inch waist and a XXL top.

Current Mood: weird
Friday, September 17th, 2004
9:23 am
Tainted Happiness Hiding My Weaknesses
You know, I post song lyrics in this thing almost more often than I post anything of actual substance. But as I've said before, in spite of it seeming like some sort of a cop-out instead of making a real entry, it's a lot more because I think the songs I listen to can express my emotions sometimes more clearly than my own words.

I've had a lot going through my mind lately, as I always do. I've had a lot of temptation to simply just give up the charade as a male and out myself entirely. The majority of people who matter to me know Roxy exists inside of Mike, at the least. I'm not sure of the extent to which a lot of people understand the fact that 'Mike' is all an act to keep the real me, Roxy, safe, but they at least know I'm in here. A few people have seemingly becomes more comfortable with it, Crystal and Tim most notable, who've started over recent weeks calling me by name, and referring to me as 'her'. I like it a lot. If either of you happen to read this, thank you for accepting me. It means the world.

Anyway, this song, while a hard, loud, violent metal thing, actually says a lot about my emotional state. There's many paralelles to be drawn here.

I couldn't hear what they were saying to me
The sound drowned out by the coming of the dawn
My lapse repeated, it's necessary
There's nothing to say
My card's drawn anyway

The light burns where darkness has died
I know I'm living a lie
Reach for the depth of the night
Strain for the me that's inside

I don't give a damn
A new day bright
Pray that it won't be your night
Reach out to me, I'm losing my mind
Release the one that's inside

Introversion brings me closer
To fleshless freedom
But outward my soul runs
My soul runs

I feel the source grow
It wants to free me
It works to pull me from the undertow
I search the deadzone
I hunt the wasteland
The blood on my hands
Is from the Wyrm-foe.

Introversion brings me closer
To fleshless freedom
But outward my soul runs
My soul runs!

On burning ground
Burning down me
All is out
Streaming from me
Flowing out
Streaming outward

Turn me inside out
You'll never doubt we all die alone
Peel off the outside skin
That holds me in
That keeps me all alone
The void between life and dead
Is just one breath
That we take all alone
Face down on the ground
No more sound
And you died all alone

Ask me why the wolves cry so
I say it's because we know that we all die alone
Ask me why the wolves cry so
I say it's because we know that we all die alone
Ask me why the wolves cry so
I say it's because we know that we all die alone
Ask me why the wolves cry so
I say it's because we know that we all die
On burning ground
Burning down me
All is out
Streaming from me
Flowing out
Streaming outward!


So yeah.. I think with a little reading, you guys can probably see why this song speaks to me so much. And yeah, it's fun to scream with, too. ^.^

Current Mood: bored
Saturday, September 11th, 2004
10:08 am
Tears in vanilla coke
This has been an exceptionally hard day for me... So many little stresses and fears and slights added up that I feel about ready to collapse beneath the combined weight. Where to start the whining... I don't even know.

I slept way longer than I wanted to and woke up with my neck and knee both absolutely killing me. I haven't had problems with me knee in years, since I was working actively in wrestling... And suddenly here it is, throbbing like crazy all day long. Within an hour of waking up, some big fat black spider came crawling out of my closet to roam across my wall... sending terror through me. Especially when I threw a book at it but never saw proof of it's death... it's probably still in here, lurking and waiting for me to sleep.

Then I get to work, the knot of stress and anger that is. Everyone thinks my job is so relaxed and stress-free... but they have absolutely no idea. My friend Andy thought it was a cake walk until he got hired. Now he complains about how hard it is on him, as if I don't understand. I've understood for a year now... by the time that's over, and I've gone home for the night, I get another dose of terror.

A big ass spider fell off of the garage door as I was pulling in onto my car's windshield... then promptly ran right for the roof on the driver's side, near where I need to put my hand to help myself stand up since my legs are so long and all. So I totally freaked out and crawled out the passenger door. I stood up just in time to see it rushing toward me across the roof. I was so scared that it was going to jump on me that I almost collapsed and was fighting back tears by the time I ran away and went into the house.

Then friends online manage to insult me and upset me at a couple of different turns... So I retreat into Counter-strike, where Andy decided he was going to join me on the server I play on. While it's nice playing with him, the constant fear that he is going to open his mouth and call me by my disgusting real name or something wasn't pleasant at all. I ended up leaving that just because it was freaking me out too bad.

And of course, all of that shit sent me right off the usual leaping-off point to the familiar embrace of angst and self-loathing that is being a transsexual girl. The same old "why couldn't I just be normal?" or "why can't I stop being like this and be like everyone else?" or "why can't I just wake up tonight and be in the right body?" shit that I've been crying over for years. And of course, I'm doing it all over again.

People have lectured me that actually being female wouldn't make my life any easier, just different. To that, I can't help but laugh. If I was actually female, it would be okay that I wanted someone to hug me while I cried because a spider scared me... or any number of other things that I feel, but I can't express because it would make me look like a freak.

Oh yeah... and did I mention my mother got married again? This time without even bothering to tell me until four days afterwards.

Current Mood: stressed
Saturday, August 28th, 2004
3:38 pm
Waugh
I hate waking up some days...

There are just times where it feels like climbing out of bed isn't worth it, times where I wish I could remain safe curled up in my sheets and never have to face the world. I don't even especially know what seems so big and scary about bothering to wake up today. I guess there are just times when the pressures of living can intimidate me.

I feel tremendously bad for the battle Lhunie is having to go through to try to make it through college without having to deal with math she can't handle because of dyscalculia.. That's just wrong that because a learning disability isn't widely known that no one will work with her. If things don't fit into everyone's rigid little idea of what is and what isn't, they must be wrong or made up or whatever those pricks on the board she had to go before felt.

I think I ran out of things to say already... my eyes are heavy and all watery... sleepy. But of course, I couldn't stay asleep.

Current Mood: sleepy
Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
9:47 am
It Never Gets Easier
So yeah... last night I let another person in on the Big Secret. Gasp. I'm not a boy inside. This one was my friend Kevin, whom I kind of figured would be okay with it considering he's teased me about needing to have a sex change in the past. Little did he know that he hit the nail right on the head. So yeah, now Kevin knows about this rarely used journal thingie-ma-doo. So I wonder how long it'll be before he's sent screaming for the hills from the terror that is my angst-rants.

Meh... I need to wake up in around 5 hours in order to go to a work barbeque at my boss-Rene's house a couple cities away. I'm not so sure it's worth the effort, but Rene' is awesome, so I'll put out the effort for her benefit.

I don't really have much to say... I just figured that I'd welcome Kevin into the wonderful (?) world of knowing me instead of knowing the facade that I live under. Oh yeah. It's Official Roxy Revelation Month or something.

Current Mood: sleepy
Friday, August 20th, 2004
7:16 am
Fuck.
Well... today I got some wonderful news. I came home from work this morning to find out that I've been billed roughly 3,000 dollars, on top of the 400 I just paid, for the fiasco I had with kidney stones earlier this year. It's taken them this long to get around to deciding that I owe them that astronomical sum for the shoddy care I was given. Great... I have almost 2,000 in the bank right now. Drained. My grandpa says he'll help me to an extent... but fuck... that's a lot of money. It's been several months of saving to get up there. If I had to pay rent, this would basically be financial ruin for me. Lucky, my bills are few and far between... There goes any pipe dreams of buying my hearse this year, though.

I've been roleplaying table-top style with a handful of friends in real life lately... that feels great. We just started up a new plot based on Final Fantasy worlds tonight, and I got to invent the neatest little character. Kei. She's basically a theif/ninja sort of archetype, just like what I was playing in FFXI before I decided to take my break form it. Her weapons are this wicked little blade system I created, that takes a lot more energy to explain without diagrams than I wanna put in right now. I really like her, though. She's basically my personality on display, without any filters. My friends already adore her. In short, she's a mischevious, wild little chick, cute and funny. Though she has a considerable dark side in her past, and in the fact that she's got a habit of assassinating people she feels are criminals. Nothing better than a cute little serial killer. I've played her for all of two hours, and she already has that deep, immersive feel that the best characters have. It feels like I could slip into her skin and never have to come back out. I guess that's the benefit of projecting myself into my RP characters and allows myself to drop the guy-barriers I keep over my real emotions.

I think I should be allowed to kill people and steal their bodies. No one would ever miss the one I want, since she doesn't actually have a personality. >.> I'm being creepy now and I'm a sleepy girl, so it's time to crawl in bed.

Current Mood: bitchy
Wednesday, August 11th, 2004
7:02 pm
So I felt like ranting
A lot has changed in my life in the last few weeks. My grandmother passed away, as most everyone already knows. It's changed my life around home a lot. My grandfather is terribly depressed, but he's no longer harsh and unfeeling toward me like he has been for so long. At least that's making it more bearable. It's so quiet here, though, with both the dog and my grandmother gone. It disturbs me sometimes.

I'm still working... still struggling to save up my money for the inevitable day when the store fails. I've opened up to a few more people about my gender, and all's gone well so far. It's funny how it never gets easier. No matter how many people I've told, there's still that horrible rush of fear when I spit it out. I'm still only telling the people I really feel I can trust. As much as people tell me that if they spurn me, it means they weren't a real friend to begin with, that doesn't change the fear. Obviously, if I am telling them, it means I thought they were someone close to me, and that means if they turn me away, it is going to be a disappointment.

Anyway... It's unpleasant as I grow older to watch friendships that used to be very close grow distant and faint. It's a part of growing up, but that doesn't make it easier to live with. Funny how I'm still growing up at 22 years old. Most people have gotten past this point of life before now. In a lot of ways, I'm never going to be an adult. It just doesn't suit me.
Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
4:02 am
Been a While
It's been a quite a while since I really put any thought into using this journal. I know very few people read it, three or four of you, most of whom no longer even contact me outside of ocassional comments on this thing. Oh well... At least it's a couple of people listening.

My depression is at an all time high (low?), as I try to cope with my family life falling apart. This time, the collapse isn't some emotional upheaval, but because it's really disappearing around me. My grandmother, put in a secure nursing facility a few weeks back, has slipped into severe pneumonia and is in the hospital. I have no idea if she'll survive or not.

My dog died about three days after my grandmother went away. I think that was perhaps even more heartbreaking than my grandma going away. Not because somehow I valued the dog more... but because the dog seemed to have held on just long enough to know my grandma didn't need her anymore, then laid down and died alone in the back yard one night.

My house is very quiet now. My grandfather and I are the only people here now, and he spends all of this time out visiting friends or whatever he does. So it's a lot like living alone. It's depressing and makes me long for someone beside me.

I went to AnimeExpo a week ago, my first experience with a convention of any sort outside of E3. That was a miserable affair as well. It saw one of my roommates end our friendship by going through my things while I was out of the room, and using a sword I bought to slice the hotel room's beds apart. It also lead to me nearly killing myself with depression. While my friends were having a good time seeing cosplayers and getting into the spirit of rubbing elbows with them... I was dying from jealousy. I absolutely love the idea of cosplay... And the fact that my disgusting mess of a male body isn't very conductive to dressing like say, Mai from Fatal Fury or Dizzy from Guilty Gear, started to crush me. Do you remember when you were a kid and you desperately wanted a toy you saw on TV... only to find out your friend's parents bought it for them? That's what the entire weekend felt like to me. I left the con a day early and I am still trying to recover from the echoes of that depression.

Honestly, I don't know why I was compelled to write this... Maybe just to reassure myself that I'm still alive. Maybe I just needed to vent a little. I don't know... I'm going to go sleep now.

Current Mood: sleepy
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
9:25 am
I hope there is a Heaven
I haven't cried this hard before in my life... My grandmother is gone. She isn't dead... but she may as well be. I won't see her again until she is. She's been locked away because her Alzhiemers has gotten to an extreme where she is a danger to herself and others. The doctors already say they don't think there is a way she will ever be released... after only one day of being around her. That means... to me, the woman who raised me when my mother gave up, is dead.

No one close to me has ever died... And I had no idea how I would handle it. It still hasn't happened, and I'm already just totally destoyed. I'm crying so hard that I can't breathe, and I just can't stop no matter what I try.

For the first time in a lot of years, I hope desperately that there is some Heaven waiting for her. Before that fucking diseased destoyed her, my grandmother was the most loving, giving person I knew, and if it weren't for her being there to hold me, I would have never lived through my childhood. If there is anyone who deserves that high and mighty notion of an eternity of happiness, it's her... I just hope wherever she ends up, she's free of the disease that did this to her.

I just don't know what to do or say... I don't know how to get this out... I just feel like I'm going to cry until I collapse or something. Fuck...

I've missed her for a year or so already... but now I don't even have the living ghost of her memory to make it seem like everything is okay anymore. I guess that's the moral of the story... Nothing is okay. Nothing's going to be okay.

Current Mood: shattered
Monday, May 17th, 2004
2:45 am
I HAVE MUCH LOVE FOR INGRID IN MY HEAD. So there.
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
8:18 am
Time Cannnot Erase
Life is a funny thing, I've decided.

It's been a pair of years since my relationship with Darea ended once and for all. And only now am I finally coming to terms with it, and what I lost and what I learned. I thankfully have moved on in my live and in my love, but that doesn't mean that my memories are changed. In many ways, I will never be 'over' Darea, and I am learning to accept that. Instead, I need to take the good memories I had and not allow what our love turned into to ruin them.

It's hard, of course, to look back on those times with a smile. Even if I did love her with all of my heart, she hurt me even worse, enough to erase the majority of that love. There will always be an echo of my love for her inside of me, much as there is still an echo of my love for Crystal, or Brittney. The difference, though, is that I consider Crystal one of my dearest friends these days, and Britt I see as a cherished sister. Darea is the wound that won't be closed by a transmutation of the love I once felt for her. So it will continue, quietly, to hurt when I think of her face or the touch of her hand.

Only now, am I beginning to regain my identity after that. So much of myself was comitted to my relationship with her, that I have to pick through myself to see what is truly me and what was left behind in her passing. I grew and changed so much with her by my side that it feels strange to enjoy the things that we enjoyed together now, by myself or with another. I feel somehow wrong in sitting in the Haunted Mansion, without her hand held in mine and her side pressed to me. Yet, I cannot simply release that thing that I love so much, even if it was a sort of an emotional home for the pair of us. I have to learn to walk by myself again. It's hard and the process is slow, but I am learning.

I am regaining some things that she took from me, my independance and my courage to be outgoing and happy. With her, it was taboo to make friends and have fun, because she threw herself so whole-heartedly into misanthropy and depression. Those things are strong inside of me as well, and together, we burrowed away from the world that seems so foreign and unwelcoming. Now, I am finding myself trying to make new friends and regrow the social connections that she held still for me to sever.

What is hardest for me, though, is now that I am finally beginning to move on, I have become vulnerable. Without the shield of my anger and hatred toward what she became and what she tried to make me, now a random thought of her brings tears to my eyes or makes me long for her voice. I can hardly remember what it sounds like, because I tried so hard to erase her from my mind. I regret that in some ways, but in others I am glad it's gone.

Make no mistake, I do not pine for her, nor would I ever return to her. But I merely miss the relationship that, for several years, was the focus of my life. I had comitted myself fully to her, and the wounds are still aching, even after all this time. This is simply my need to vent it, since I don't feel I have anyone I can talk to in person about this. I tend to cry over this subject, and it isn't appropriate for me to cry in public. After all... boys don't cry, right? It's a pity I only look like a boy. Because I cry long, and I cry hard as I sit here by myself.

This song has been making me cry more than is fair lately, as it is all over TV and the radio.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have...
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behnd
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All of the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have...
All of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have...
All of me

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
5:43 am
I am a Badassfish

Roxy

Guppy
Agility
10
|Strength
8
|Stamina
9

Battle Rating
27

Origins
Roxy exploded onto the scene after releasing a number-1 hit single


Can your fishy beat Roxy ?
Friday, February 27th, 2004
4:09 am
Virus and Disease
Well, today was interesting.... I realized I had a virus in my computer and dealt with that. That explains why my net has been so flakly latley and things have been running a bit slow.

I also found out that my little sister is pregnant again. She's struggling to raise her almost-two-year-old daughter... No, struggling isn't the word. Neglecting and nearly abusing her daughter, while my mother struggles to raise her, pay for my freeloading sister, and take care of my little brother, too. And my sister is pregnant again, by a man she's only met four times. This is just ridiculous. She's not even 19 yet, and already has two kids now...

No matter what my mom says, she won't have the backbone to throw her out... She'll take another kid in, and end up driving herself into homelessness... Wonderful. I hate my family. Immensely.
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
9:01 am
I miss having someone to hug me.
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